Bad Lying Habit: How to help the liar to stop lying? Six steps you can take today.
Posted: Monday, April 10, 2006
by Habit Buster
http://www.breakingthehabits.com
Liars lie because they can lie. Over time they become experts in lying Their success today depend on their ability to lie.
They have become dependent on this habit. Lying gives them a feeling of control in a situation they cannot control. Notice the word "feel". In other words, they assume they cannot control the situation if they don't lie.
The world we live in teach us that we are not allowed to fail. Our parents want us to achieve, they tell us that cowboys don't cry, they punish us when we fail.... They use different punishing tools physical or emotional to manipulate us.
For example, Jonny's mother shouts at her son, "Jonny, why did you break the window?" Jonny doesn't want to disappoint his family and tells a quick lie, "It wasn't me. It's that naughty Peter!" His mother shouts back, "You're a little liar
- it was you. Go to your room now!"
His mother assumed that he broke the window and never gave him the opportunity to explain how the window got broken. She accused him without listening to his side of the story and reinforces his lying habit. It doesn't take long for Jonny to believe he is a liar.
It is clear that Jonny cannot reason with his dominating mother and he realises that he needs to practice his lying skills to avoid pain.
We all want to move away from pain and by realizing that by lying the first time... it worked... we then use the lying habit again and again. We then practice the lying habit and we become expert liars.
Parents and society in general prefer to avoid risk and failure. By avoiding risk they help to create liars. Children are not allowed take risks and when they fail they get punished. They then use lies to avoid failure. They get reminded of their lying habit, which reinforces their failure and therefore feeding their lying habit.
How do you help the liar?
1) Take stock of your own character.
If you create the situations, where the Jonnies of this world revert to lying then you need help. How do you create the opportunity for Jonny to lie? Most of the time you may be manipulative, you threaten, you are jealous, suspicious or you may have the worst habit in life - by being a perfectionist!
2) Accept that the lying behaviour is not the person.
This may be difficult for you to accept. The liar uses the behaviour to cope with his or her situation. Can you help to create an environment where lying is not necessary? Can you recognise the lie and address the behaviour rather than punishing the liar? Can you disassociate yourself from the emotional affect the lie may have on you? Can you disassociate the person from the lying behaviour?
Remember that lying is a choice and therefore the liar can choose to change. As soon as you look at the behaviour (the action) and address that instead of the person you are on the winning path.
3) You and the liar must accept that lying is a choice and that lying is bad for the relationship.
You know that the liar lies and you and the liar must accept and agree that he or she is a liar. Now you have the basis to work towards a new beginning.
4) Allow people do make mistakes and must take risks.
If you want to help the liar, ask yourself if you are a perfectionist (somebody who likes to do things properly and who expects only the best from other people). The liar will not be able to change the lying behaviour overnight and will fail from time to time and you need to move away from your comfort zone and allow space for the behaviour to change.
5) Forgive the liar and forgive yourself.
The liar carries a lot of baggage. The worst being the emotional drain caused by lying because their inner self reminds them that lying is incorrect. Liars have another problem: They need to remember what they said. (I am not taking about a psychopath).
By forgiving, you can unload the guilt you carry and you'll find it easier to focus on the lying habit and not the person.
6) Keep a diary on how the lying affects your life.
As I mentioned above you must take stock of your own character. The best way to do this is to keep a dairy of how lying affects you, how you react and what emotions it stirs in your life. Use a dairy as a feedback system for your own growth and on how you can help the liar.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-- Johan Horak, is the publisher of Habit Busting Secrets:
"Learn how to break ANY habit -- in 21 days (or less) guaranteed!"
Click Here ===> > Stop Lying in 21 days
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
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More commentsIt just takes the first step to realize that being more truthful has benefits and the rest just takes patience. I had a lying problem until I took the first step in staying true to my personality, and thinking less of what other people thought in that department. It was mostly self-confidence issues and I had a fear of being disliked. In the end it feels better. Although with every outward flaw is linked to many other factors that are based on major events that happen in your life. It takes soul searching, practice and time or another major event to confront and solve the problems showing in your everyday actions; well, if you consider them problems. Do the work, and the rest will work itself out... but that's just what I think.That sounds about right, I to am sometimes afraid of how I will be perceived. Its a real big problem and I sure don't want my kids growing up to be this way. I have to stop and I want to stop.
I've been lying for years. I've been married for 8 years and for 8 yes I've been lying. I'm not here to put blame on my wife. One thing thou I haven't taken full responsibility, I want to but when things are presented I always try and flip the blame. I hate lying, I really do. Its just I'm really afraid of disappointing her or shying away from an argument. Each time after the lie I make things worse than they were. Another thing is I don't express my feelings. At times things that bother me I don't say because things are good. I say it after I lied about something. Its been a couple of months since I lied but right now my Wife has basically had enough. We still live together but you can tell things are holding on by thread. Hopefully this will work for me regardless of my situation.I can't tell you how similar our situations are, my friend! Although I'm not married... and I won't be if I keep this up. Just curious... Did your wife agree to this method and has it helped you in any way? Have you considered therapy or any other treatment, and if you have, did it help you?
Best regards man, hope everything goes well.
Hi I need help to stop lying where did u find it? There only small lies but still
There lies and there to the person I love and I really don't want to
Lose her coz of these silly lies I don't no why I do it either help please
Excuse me, when did being a perfectionist become wrong? Isn't the whole point of why it is improper to lie, is because we want to do things properly. I mean, doing things properly, isn't that how we produce, or build...and by doing things improperly, isn't that how we deconstruct? What fool wants to destroy the beauty around him? and why?
I lie because I am extremely ashamed of what I am... I never feel good enough and I'm constantly driven by the need to impress. I am so dissatisfied with myself that I blurt out things that sound better... fast forward 10 years and now I feel like I can't stop... My girlfriend has already threatened to break up with me and this is easily the best relationship I've ever had... And STILL I continue to lie... What is wrong with me?!
I feel like this article is good but don't forget that when you lie you must realize that it is in fact wrong and people not accepting you for it is not THEIR fault. Though understanding and forgiveness never hurt anyone... but lying has. I feel like $%&*@$%& every time I say something I know I could tell the truth about (even things that DON'T MATTER) and I still choose to lie! I feel like I'm wrapped in this and I need help finding my way out.. Has anyone taken therapy or found other ways to address this problem? Because I don't know if I can reason with my girlfriend to the point where she'll read this article and feel happy... So I need to find some help. Just curious. Has therapy helped anyone's lying... Is it worth it?
I have had a lot of problems in my life. Abused as a child, prison and drugs. I lie because i find its the easy option to avoid confrontation and dissapointment. My girlfriend of 6 years is the best thing that has ever happened to me and slowly i am throwing it all away as i am talking nonsence all the time. The pain comes from the inside later on when deep down you know the other person knows your not being truuthful. This makes things even worse again and the circle of deciete continues. I need to kick this habbit as the lying has led to depression and i find it hard to get up in the morning and motivate myself. I am glad that i am not the only person with this problem and any advise would be so welcome
A wonderful article, must admit that lying starts in a very young age. Its innocent lie, with age intensity of lie increases and resulting consequences as well.
I will definitely try to change myself
lieing has ruined the best thing that has ever ben in my life. i dont know why i lie maybe its the look on her face when she has to ask me two or tree times for the truth when she could tell me the truth herself. she has been thair and knows the truth will set you free ive always lied to aviod my flaws now that it realy maters all i can find are flaws. i feel sick to my stomiec all the time and sometimes think of killing myself as the only way to stop the snowball from rolling is thair any way to stop your moulth befor it comes out becase i really need to know.mine just wont lisen. ineed help
I am on the other side of this than what most of you all are. I am the wife of a liar. After reading this article I have come to realize that it is somewhat my fault too because I would consider myself a perfectionist and if something is not right I get upset. Although I am a perfectionist my husband has told lies from his youth and he mostly gets it from his parents because they lie often themselfs. This has caused problems with our marriage and we have separated before because of this. I have become bitter with him and our relationship has grown apart because I feel like I cannot trust him. I get upset because I think how hard is it to tell the truth? But like the article says its not the person it is the habit of doing it. I have told my husband that when he tells a lie and he realizes he told the lie to say to me "okay I'm sorry I just lied to you" and I promised him I would not get mad that I would just say okay. He has done this but not unless he gets caught which kinda defeats the purpose. So we are still working on it. I think he needs therapy. I hope my story has helped you all coming from my side. Good luck to you all :)
I have lied to my wife of 4 years not about big things. I lie to her so she doesn't get mad or upset with me. I love this woman so much but have destroyed our marriage due to the lying. I feel as low ad one can get when I have lied to her. I have denied mu problem long enough. I need help to stop and try to save my marriage. She is the most wonderful woman I have ever met and I never wanted to disappoint her bit that is all I have done. I need help to stop my problem.
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